THE CHICAGO MAROON

FEBRUARY 11, 2000

Not A Band

Marisa Beatly

Voices I Wanna Rock And Roll All Night

I detest American music at the moment. Just nine short years ago, modern rock music was unstoppable with the emergence of the phenomenon now known as grunge rock.

Those were the days. Of course, Kurt Cobain then commited suicide and grunge died right along with him. Soon other grunge bands started to deteriorate. Soundgarden split after Chris Cornell decided that he wanted to make “happier” music, the members of Alice in Chains loved their heroin more than their music thus becoming a defunct band, and Scott Weiland could not keep his ass out of jail, temporarily killing Stone Temple Pilots. Those poor guys [went on without him (illegible photocopy)], ripping off Foo Fighter’s sound in the process, all because of Scott’s drug addiction. While the bands that defined music for most of the nineties were dealing with drug addiction, something happened to mainstream music. Yes, that’s right, it was taken over by teeny bopper bands like the Backstreet Boys, the Spice Girls, and Ricky Martin. How such an atrocity could ever happen makes me wonder if there really is a God out there. Sure, there are still rock bands out there like Lit making music, but have you heard their latest album?

Please do not torture yourself. There is nothing defining about mainstream rock music, and I refuse to believe that Limp Bizkit and Korn are the future of American music and can save us from the current slump. Perhaps The Unband, who have recently released their debut album, Retarder thought they were in fact the chosen ones and would single handedly save rock music. Unfortunately, the record executive that waved a record contract in their face was obviously under the influence of some hardcore drugs because the Unband is not where it’s at. As I was listening to Retarder for the first time I was driven nuts determining which band the Unband was blatantly ripping off.

After much [illegible] punk/hard rock [illegible] seventies rock gods, Kiss. Yeah right! Lead vocalist and guitarist Matt Pierce believes that he is Gene Simmons reincarnated— the only problem being that Simmons is still among the living. What is interesting about Retarder and Pierce’s approach to songwriting is that he deals with such deep emotions and serious issues as drinking, smoking pot, playing rock and roll, and screwing cocaine whores. I was almost on the verge of tears when I heard the Unband’s deep and highly emotional thoughts on life. Can somebody nominate these guys for induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, NOW? Who needs recent inductees James Taylor and Paul McCartney when you have the wonderful musings of the Unband?

But seriously, I have heard some really horrible bands throughout my life such as Fountains of Wayne and Chainsaws and Children, but the Unband just completely surpasses these two in terms of bad songwriting, singing, and instrument playing. If the Unband never accomplishes anything else in their pathetic lives, at least they will be known as the worst band in the United States. Congratulations guys!

The opening track of Retarder is the frighteningly amusin track “Geez Louise”. The first aspect of this track that makes it absolutely [illegible] that the Unband [illegible] “Can I get a little squeeze?” What the hell? If you are not laughing hysterically at this point, like I was when I heard this track, it gets better. At the end of “geez Louise,” Pierce breaks down into a chorus of “yeah yeahs.” Only one band in the history of music could do that and be taken seriously and that was the Beatles. Hearing the Unband trying to pull that off just sounds terrible.

Another equally terrible track that deserves mentioning is “(Sure Do Feel Like A) Piece of Shit.” Musically, this track sounds exactly the same as “Geez Louise”, as do all the tracks on Retarder, but what makes this song truly horrible is Pierce’s lousy attempt to sound like another member of Kiss— Paul Stanley. “(Sure Do Feel Like A) Piece of Shit” consists of Pierce shouting this one line throughout the entire exceedingly long track. I never knew that three minutes could seem like a lifetime, but it does in the hell that is bad rock music. While each and every track on Retarder deserves to be ripped apart, there are only so many sarcastic, scathing comments one writer can dream up, so instead I will give you some song titles that are quite amusing and worth a few laughs. I’m sure it takes a musical genius to dream up such titles as “Cocaine Whore”, “Crack Soundtrack”, and “$#@?!!”. Are you seeing a pattern develop here? After listening to Retarder, I have absolutely no clue who would ever want to run out to their local record store and blow seventeen dollars on this waste of a CD. And I’m sure there is someone out there that is anxiously awaiting the release of this disk because the Unband are “the coolest, neatest band ever!” Right, and Old Dirty Bastard’s lyrics make sense. If you are too frustrated with the state of American rock music, let me offer a few suggestions. Read a book, watch television, discover some independent rock bands like Pavement and Sonic Youth, or discover the wonderful nature of Brit-Pop and electronica. For the love of all that id holy, please, PLEASE do not be tempted to purchase Retarder because this reviewer would not be able to live with herself knowing that someone out there experienced such torture.
-- Marisa Beatly